The Story Behind The Music: "Retreat"

As a kid growing up, one of my favorite TV shows was VH1's "Storyteller's". This show was a raw look at the stories behind the music we all grew up loving. It gave me the chance to learn about what inspired songwriter's and the music they created. There were stories of heartbreak, stories of heaven, stories of magic, and stories of adventure. I loved hearing it all. Most intriguing was the glimpse into the humanity of every songwriter looking to tell the stories we all could relate to on some level. I loved the stories of real life stuff. The things we all experience. I, for one, become connected with a song when it tells "my story".

So here I am attempting, in my own way, to tell the story behind the music. One of my songs, "Retreat," is an up close and personal story of my struggles with an anxiety disorder that many have labeled "Panic Disorder". I have random panic attacks on a pretty regular basis. I have had this disorder since the 4th grade. I remember sitting at my desk in elementary school when all of a sudden my heart started racing, my palms started sweating, I got nauseous and I couldn't concentrate on anything except the adrenaline rush that had me both paralyzed and wanting to run at the same time. Then suddenly, my entire body was shaking. I raised my hand and asked my teacher if I could go to the nurse's office because I was afraid something terrible was wrong with me. So, he sent me off and that was my first one. They kept occurring over and over again, and I am pretty sure I spent more time at the nurse's office than in the classroom my entire 4th grade year.

It was at this point that I started seeing a psychologist in hopes that a solution could be found and the panic attacks would cease. That wasn't the case. They have been ongoing in my life ever since then and much like this song reflects, it is a daily battle. I wake up in the mornings and the first place I seem to struggle is the shower. I don't know if it is the enclosed space or the hot water getting my heart rate up, but my "spidey sense" starts to tingle. As I step out of the shower and begin to get dressed my mind starts racing. Racing about all the things I "have to do," all the places I need to go, and the most dreadful, all the people I have to be around. The hard part about this whole process is I hate talking about it, therefore, I hide behind a face of "keeping it together" so people won't ask me about it. I am not supposed to be weak, I am not supposed to be vulnerable, I am supposed to be..... normal.

Once I get out into the world, the fight begins. The fight to run back home to my safe space, alone. Solitude is all I long for. Away from schedules, away from deadlines, away from the person I am “supposed” to be, according to the world. The safest place I feel is in my bed, in the dark, with nothing but silence. I love the silence. I welcome it. To me, the biggest aggregate to my panic disorder is all the noise of the world.

But how do I avoid the world? Ha! I laugh at the thought! Can any of us avoid it? Well, right now, where my life is, I don't have the opportunity. And yes, there are many things I don't want to avoid such as my wife, my granddaughter, my dog, my music, my family, all these things bring joy. So, it is a challenge to find the balance between a busy world, a loving family, and solitude in the silent darkness that feels like home. This is what the song “Retreat” is about. The swing of the pendulum that lunges between silence and noise, fear and courage, darkness and light. But isn't that what this whole life experience is about? Finding our footing among the chaos. The question for me is… Do I control the pendulum, or does that pendulum control me? Or maybe I just ride it and see where it goes. Hell, I've been doing it my whole life and I am kinda used to it by now.

If there are any of you out there that struggle with this, just know, you are not alone, even though you want to be. We are in this together. In the silence, you shall hear us all.